My new best friend (beans and rice) and I are celebrating our 11 day anniversary today. I wanted to celebrate by sharing a little about our short, yet tumultuous relationship:
A Twinkle in the Eye: Getting involved with someone or something new always seems like such a great idea. There is a sense of excitement about the unknown and you believe that it is always going to be all rainbows and kittens. Maybe even unicorns if you are REALLY lucky! You and that someone/something new will never have problems, fights, or times when you want to tuck tail and run the other way. Nope. That will not happen. Right.
The Honeymoon (Day 1 and 2): Not so bad. This isn't going to be hard. We have enough partners to last three days. Easy peasy. Again, right.
The Honeymoon is Over (shortest one ever) - Day 3-5: This is where it gets ugly. Young children and those who are queasy - look away. The nausea comes on and it is like the scene in the Grinch where they are forcing Whoo pudding down his throat. I literally had to stop eating beans in the morning for fear that they would come right back up. I would have done just about anything at this point to distance myself from my new "partner". The dreams came, strange and disconcerting...me sneaking food, people doing weird things, etc. It felt a little like my own version of Groundhog Day, but with heaps of guilt on top of it. Why couldn't I be happy with something millions of other people are hungering for? What kind of selfish and terrible person am I? The headaches made me cranky and the small portions made me hangry (that's hungry and angry for those who think I have bad spelling). It was beyond ugly and it all culminated in me crying and sobbing into my beans and rice as I tried to choke them down. Low point? Yes. The end of my relationship with beans and rice? Too soon to say.
Settling In (Day 6 & 7): The emotional breakdown was necessary, cleansing. At this point I was able to make peace with my diet. The headaches subsided and I discovered edamame was a bean. Those two developments went a long way in helping get me back on track. Not to mention the extremely generous outpouring of support from friends, family and people I don't even know. God had brought me to the place right after brokenness where I find myself able to proceed without complaint and a renewed sense of purpose and strength. A place where I could stop and look at all He had provided over the last week: meals (EVERY DAY), grace, love, mercy, friends and family to encourage me and support me, and finally a renewed since that I was made to be a part of His work. He has invited me, just like Adam and Eve, to be part of creation - working and tending and doing the dirty work.
What's Next (Days 8-11): There is a tiny ember deep inside me that is flickering, just waiting to be fueled. I can feel God calling me to something that is bigger and different. A place of awakening and movement, of change and challenge. The thoughts are swirling in my head...is it only the way I eat? Is it where I buy my groceries? Is it as simple as buying a compost bin (already on its way from Amazon) and doing all I can to not waste food? Or is it something more? Right now, I am not sure and that is not a great place for me to be. Not a fan of transition or change, but maybe that's the point. Maybe God just needs to teach me how to be okay in the in between places - where I don't have control and I can't make things happen. This is where the thoughts get random and scattered and a little scary (like the fact that as I am writing this David Crowder Band is singing, "the whole worlds about to change, the whole worlds about to change" over and over again). But this is what I do know and have learned so deeply over the last 10 days: God comes through. He will provide (rice and beans, love, grace, answers, patience, EVERYTHING). He loves me and invites me to seek and partner with Him and His Kingdom in His world. I can be part of changing what is wrong, while planting and cultivating the seeds of change (and that starts in me).
The letter I sent to friends and family talked about God's proverbial "hammer" hitting me in the head. So much of what I have read, seen, heard over the last 10 days has been like a hammer - hitting the same point (not the one on top of my head) over and over again. I just finished a book and the ending was a big bang from that hammer. As I head into these next two weeks I can feel it ringing in my ears. It might not speak to you the same way it did mine, but I couldn't help but share. But before that, THANK YOU for all the support - prayers, encouragement, love, grace, mercy (special thanks to Matt, Millie, Ruby and Bear), and donations to this very worthy cause. I thank God for each and every one of you! Grace and Peace, Libby
Take down the walls.
That is, after all , the point. You do not know what will happen if you take down the walls; you cannot see through to the other side, don't know whether it will bring freedom or ruin, resolution of chaos. It might be paradise, or destruction.
Take down the walls.
Otherwise you must live closely, in fear, building barricades against the unknown, saying prayers against the darkness, speaking verse of terror and tightness. Otherwise you may never know hell, but you will not find heaven, either. You will not know fresh air and flying.
All of you, wherever you are: in your spiny cities or your one-bump towns. Find it, the hard stuff, the links of metal and chink, the fragments of stone filling your stomach. And pull, and pull, and pull.
I will make a pact with you: I will do it if you will do it, always and forever.
Take down the walls.
-Lauren Oliver, Requiem
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